10:24 a.m. -- 2006-06-11
Sorry, this won't be a very sexual entry.
It dawned on me last night, after spending two hours packing, and running out of boxes, that I'm doing it again.
I'm making a change. Again, all my stuff spread out around me, half packed, half mess, so much more than I moved in with. I thought about everything that has happened in the last twelve months and how much I've changed. This is where secretsof comes clean. I've never written anything personal in this diary before, as an old one of mine was once found by a semi-friend, and it was embarrasing.
I also always thought I was strong enough not to (I am). But hell, I've been using this diary a while now and as I'm making a pretty big change (again) you should maybe know where it is I'm coming from.
So, changes.
1) My younger brother died, at the age of nine, in late July last year. I was in the Med, on my way to work. My mobile rang and I picked up a call from my father hysterically telling me that my brother had drowned in a swimming pool. I broke down in the street and can't really remember the next few hours, except that I spent four hours at the foreign exchange sorting out a flight home. I stayed with my Dad for the first time since I was 13. That was a learning curve in itself, I guess I forgave a lot of stuff from my childhood and we found each other again. The funeral was awful, most of my family fell out. I went back to the meditteranean (I won't say which country) a week later, due to work commitments, and that was one of the hardest things I've ever done, put on a brave face and carried on.
2) I got back from the med and moved into this new house. My life had changed while I'd been away, a lot of the friends I thought I'd had in the UK lost touch. I rebuilt again from scratch - new friends, new house, new work. See beginning of this diary - breaking up with Ethan and messing around with Paco, etc.
3) My uncle was found negligent for my brother's death. He wasn't sentenced, as the judge deemed that his own state of guilt had ruined his life enough without a punishment. Our family feud is mostly unresolved. I don't think we'll be speaking to my uncle again. Bad times. My ex step mother also got married to her boyfriend (she raised me most of my life; she and my Dad split up but it was almost back on the cards for good before my bro died - that changed it all), leaving my Dad in a real state having to face the prospect of the rest of his life without her. Who picked up the pieces? Yours truly, always.
4) In January my Grandmother died. That was almost the straw that broke the camels back, for me. I gave the eulogy at the funeral and it nearly killed me. Cue months of secretsof depression; I was real close to my Grandmother and didn't think I'd ever be the same again.
5) Enter Kale. I'd met him just before my Grandmother died and he turned out to be a huge rock to lean on. I didn't think that I was in a place to fall for anyone at all, and didn't see myself feeling like this for another few years, but it happened and now I love him so much. For the most part, he's been the only good thing in my life for great chunks of this year.
And now here I am again. Moving house again, temporarily, before jetting back to the Med for work, AGAIN, sans Kale. All quite exciting, really, as I had so much fun last time. But I'm so different. The events of the last twelve months have changed me beyond belief.
I've just got happy over here, and now I'm leaving again. Where will I be come September? Happy? Sad? More tragedies? I really hope not. My confidence took a real nosedive through all of that, I almost have it back, albeit that I'm now obsessed with my weight (my life would be fine were I 5lbs lighter.... thats the first sign of a problem, right?). The summer could either help me, or ruin me. Fingers crossed.
So there you have it. The last 12 months of Secretsof, in a nutshell. I'm going to miss Kale so much. Still, two months isn't that long, right? Followed by a move to London as soon as I get back, for a little while, on business.
Jeez, I don't make life easy for myself, hey!
Last Five
i had a threesome - 2008-02-05
Three Weeks - 2007-02-24
Dreaming of Brown Eyes - 2007-01-06
Back - 2006-09-19
The Last 12 Months of ME, in a nutshell. - 2006-06-11